Τρίτη, 5 Ιανουαρίου 2010

ΚΑΛΗ ΧΡΟΝΙΑ (με ανεκδοτα)

ΚΑΛΗ ΧΡΟΝΙΑ


Βρηκα μια ωραια συλλογη με ιδεολογικοπολιτικα ανεκδοτα τα οποια και προσφερω με αγαπη σαν δωρο στην αριστερα να εχει και να χερεται...
Δυστυχως ειναι στα αγγλικα και με μεταφραση θα εχαναν την μιση τους αξια..



Remembering a great Pres!
Its hard to get an automobile in the soviet union. They are owned mainly by elite bureaucrats. It takes an average of 10 years to get a car. 1 out of 7 families owned automobiles. You have to go through a major process and put the money out in advance. so this man did this and the dealer said "okay in 10 years come get your car." "Morning or afternoon?" The man replied. "well what difference does it make?" Said the dealer. "The plumber is coming in the morning."

In another car incident, Gorbachev was late from getting to the Kremlin from his house. He told the chauffer, "Look we are running late so let me drive. I insist." So He told the Chaufer to get in the back and he drove. Meanwhile the police were given strict orders to ticket anyone speeding no matter how important. So they were speeding down Moscow and two motorcycle cops pulled them over but didn't ticket him after he saw who it was. He goes back to the station and talks about it and was asked, "Why didn't you ticket him? "Too important." "Who was it?" "I didn't recognize him, but his driver was Gorbachev!"

Castro was making a speech to a large assembly. Someone out in the crowd said, "peanuts popcorn crackerjack." This happened about 4 times. So Castro gets annoyed and says, the next man who says that gets deported to Miami. The entire crowd stands up and yells, "POPCORN! PEANUTS! CRACKERJACK!"

The Commisar came to the collective farms to see how the harvest was doing and asked a farmer and the farmer said "Oh commrade commisar! If we took all the potatoes, they would reach the foot of God." "Comrade farmer, this is the Soviet Union. There is no God." "Thats okay, there are no potatoes."

Two Russians were walking down the street, one asked the other, "Have we really achieved full communism?" The other said "oh no. Things are about to get worse."


A Russian schoolteacher asks her class for comments about Adam and Eve.
One girl replies that they are Russian.
The teacher asks the girl why she thinks this.
The girl replies, “They have no clothes, no food, and no shelter, but they think they’re in Paradise”.



Some guy go to the KGB and say i lost my parrot
Why dont u bother the local police?
i just want u to know my political ideas have nothing to do with him


An american dog calls his cousins a polish and a soviet dog to come into USA
The american dog shows them stuff and then starts barking until someone comes and gives them food
Amazed the other dogs ask him to explain.
So he says to them basically what we do in this country if we bark enough someone will come and give us meat
So the polish dog asks : whats meat?
And the Russian dog replies : whats bark?


A russian and an American were discussing
American says there is alot of freedom in this counrty u guys dont have
Like for example i can go inside the oval office and say to the president of the united states :
President i dont like the way u run this country!! and slam my fist on the table
So the Russian says hey we can do that!!
U can?
Ya i can go into cremlin find general secratery and tell him : i dont like the way the president of the united states is running his country


An archaeologist finds a mummy in Egypt. An international debate starts over how old it could be... Nobody knows, so the mummy is brought to various countries for analysis by different experts...

It is brought to the USA first, the US specialists say, it is 3.000 years old.

Then, the Japanese, precise as usually, find that it is 2.953 years old.

The Russians come with the final result: "The mummy is 2.953 years, 5 months, 2 weeks and 4 days old". Journalists curiously ask how they found this out, the Russians reply: "The mummy was taken to the KGB and he confessed under torture



In a school in the Soviet Union, the teacher talks about the importance of work.

Teacher: "Vladimir, what does your father do? What does he work?"

Vladimir: "He's a doctor!"

Teacher: "Great! Why don't you come here and sit in the first row!"

The kid goes and sits down in the front bench. The teacher continues...

Teacher: "Boris, your father?"

Boris: "He's a university professor!"

Teacher: "Excellent! Come and site in the first row with Vladimir!"

Boris sits down near Vladimir in the first row. The teacher asks Sergey...

Teacher: "Sergey, what does your father do?"

Sergey: "He works at the KGB. Interrogation section."

Teacher: "Oh! Well... Why don't you Vladimir and Boris sit back on your seats and let Sergey come sit in the first row?!"




A Russian citizen is trying to protest against the communist regime, therefore he throws leaflets, papers around on the Red Square in Moscow. KGB agents arrest him and question him, then they observe that there was nothing on the papers, they were all plain white.

The KGB agents ask him why the papers are white, then the prisoner replies: "It's obvious anyway, why should I write it down?"





Mr.Ivanov, a Russian engineer is caught on the streets by the KGB, brought with a black car to the secret headquarters for interrogation...

KGB agents: "Where do you live?"

Mr.Ivanov: "I live on Stalin Street, number 9"

After a few hours he gets beaten up and asked again...

KGB agents: "Where do you live?"

Mr.Ivanov: "I told you, I live at Stalin Street number 9"

He gets beaten up, tortured and thrown into a chamber...

The next day he gets asked again, then beaten up again and so on...

After a week of beating and torturing, the KGB agents think he's crazy and let him go home...

When Mr.Ivanov arrives to his building, his neighbor, and old lady whispers to him: "Psst! Mr.Ivanov! There were a couple of agents here, several times this week, they were asking whether you lived here. But don't worry Mr.Ivanov, I told them I never heard about you!"


A CIA secret agent is sent to the Communist Republic Of Romania to assassinate Nicolae Ceauşescu, the most dangerous dictator of communist Europe.

The agent goes to a public meeting and tries to aim, but... he cannot shoot the dictator. He tries again, again and again, but he cannot do it...

When he returns to the CIA headquarters in Washington, he is asked by his chief what happened.

CIA agent: "Whenever I managed to crawl forward to find myself a good position, tried to aim, but then the whole crowd looked at me and started shouting: SHOOT HIM, SHOOT HIM, SHOOT HIM!"





Russian kid, Boris is asked at the school by his teacher: "Who killed Caesar?"

The kid didn't know...

After class, the teacher talks to her husband, who is a KGB agent, telling him that "Boris says he doesn't know who killed Caesar!"

The next day, Boris is missing from class...

Suddenly, the teacher's husband interrupts the math class, stepping in with 2 other agents, packed-up in black leather jackets.

KGB agent: "I know who killed Caesar!"

Teacher: "What...Oh, really? Who?"

KGB agent: "Boris with his father!"

Teacher: "What??!"

KGB agent: "They konfessed!





S: "I need to sow potatoes. Stop. But I have no one to plow the garden. Stop."

A: "Don't. Stop. There is a machine gun buried in the garden. Stop."

S: "The Tcheka came yesterday. Stop. They dug the whole garden upside down. Stop"

A: "Now you can sow potatoes. Stop."





A cartoon appeared in Krokodil one year showing a huge, totally automated factory turning out thousands of signs that all said "Elevator Out Of Order".




Three cell mates have a chat.

- Why are you here?
- I criticized Radek. You?
- I praised Radek. And you?
- I'm Radek.



At midnight, a Soviet couple was wakened by abrupt noise from the corridor, followed by a sudden bell ring and someone's heavy knocking at the doors.

Terrified, the husband went to answer the doors. He came back to bed all overjoyed:

- Everything is fine, honey! It's only a fire!





God appears to world leaders and tells them that the world will end in the year 2000.

Reagan returns home and tells his people:
-I have 2 bad news: God is pissed and in the year 2000 we're all going to die.

Gorbachev does the same:
-I have 2 bad news: First, God exists. Second, in the year 2000 we're all going to die.

Ceausescu returns home and issues a communique:
-I have 2 good news: First, God has recognized me as the leader of the Romanian Socialist Republic. Second, in the year 2000 we'll get rid of both the Americans and the Russians.





A Romanian enters a food store.
-Where is the oil? Where is the flour? Where is the sugar? Where are you taking me?




An American visiting Bucharest asks a citizen why he is waiting in a queue.
-There's meat!
-Strange, the American says. Back home you walk in, choose, pay and leave.
-You're outdated. We had that system 45 years ago.





-Did you hear that the Romanian Socialist Republic and the German Federal Republic have signed an agreement on building a 6-lane highway between Bucharest and Frankfurt?
-?!
-Yeah, three lanes from Bucharest to Frankfurt and three high-speed lanes.



After dying Ceausescu chooses to enter a socialist hell. Why? Well, when they have the tar they lack the coal, when they have the coal, they're short of tar and when they have everything the devils are holding party meetings.





-Gigel, what's you father?
-He's a party activist.
-And your mother?
-Oh, she doesn't work either!





-Bula, what is your solution for this economic crisis?
-Declare war on the Americans and surrender!





Stalin is delivering a speech to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.

- Who's just sneezed?

No answer.

- Execute the first row. Who's sneezed, I ask you?

No answer.

- Execute the second row. So who of you has just sneezed?

Finally a shaking man raises and utters feebly:

- It's me, Comrade Stalin.

- Bless you! Now, back to the topic...





In a cell, 1935.

- How many years have you got?
- Twenty five.
- What for?
- I'm innocent!
- Liar! Innocent get only ten! [1]





A report reached Stalin: They found a man in Moscow that looked exactly like him.

- Shoot him at once! - Stain ordered.
- Comrade Stalin, wouldn't it be better to just shave his mustache? - Yezhov (Chief of the NKVD) replied.
- Right. Shave his mustache at once! Then shoot him!





-Mr Brezhnev, do you like jokes about yourself?
-Yes, as a matter of fact I collect them.
-How many do you have?
- Two and a half prison camp.





1937. On the occasion of the 100th commemoration of Pushkin's death, a contest for a Pushkin's statue was held. Three prizes were awarded.

The third prize featured Stalin reading a Pushkin's poem.

- Historically correct - Stalin said, but politically incorrect. I should have read a party document, not a poem.

The second prize went to a statue of Pushkin reading a book of Stalin.

- Politically correct - Stalin commented, but historically incorrect. My books were not available at Pushkin's time.

Finally, the first prize was awarded to a statue of Stalin reading a book by Stalin.




- Hello! Is this the NKVD?
- Yes. What happened?
- My parrot's got loose.
- So what?
- If you found it, please make a note in the protocol that I have nothing to do with its political viewpoints!




After WWII, many Armenians decided to come back to the Armenian Soviet Republic. Two brothers planned it this way: The older brother would go first, and if he felt it would be safe for the younger to immigrate he would write him a letter with blue ink, otherwise the letter would be written with red ink.

A few months later, the younger brother received a letter from the USSR, written in blue ink: "Everything here is so fantastic! I've been granted a house, a wonderful job and have all things I desire. To be honest there are some minor inconveniences, but they are absolutely insignificant. For instance: It's impossible to obtain red ink."



At a political class, Rabinovitch asked the instructor:

- Comrade instructor, if everything in our country is so fantastic, then why there is no butter in stores?

- Comrade, that's an interesting subject. I'll answer you at the next class.

The next day, a fellow student raised his hand during class.

- Comrade instructor, I'd like to have a question.
- I know, I know, you also want to know where the butter is?
- No, I'd like to ask where is Comrade Rabinovitch.




Romania, shortly after the end of WWII. An old clueless lady sees Stalin's portrait hanging on a wall:

-Who is this guy?
-He's the man that saved us from the Germans, granny!
-He did? Well, God bless him, maybe he will save us from the Russians too!





Now this is a true story.

In 1972 at an Ambassadorial function in the Spain. The Russian, American and French Ambassadors got to chatting over a few cocktails.

It was soon determined that each had previously represented their Country at an International level at sport.

As it turned out, the Russian Ambassador had represented the USSR in speed skating at the 1956 Winter Olympics at Cortina in Italy. He finished out of the medals.

The French Ambassador had been the goal keeper of the 1958 World Cup where France jagged a 6-3 victory over West Germany to make third place. An event that in the course of 20th Century history, still left France lagging two down

The US Ambassador was a member of the 1953 New York Yankees Team that won the World Series.

After a few more cocktails and the individual merits of various sports and systems of government had been examined it was agreed that the next day they would have a foot race over 100 yards.

At 9.00 the next morning three seedy Ambassadors lined up for the start. The pace was not fast but the contest was real.

The US Ambassador was never headed. The Frenchman hauled in the Russian in the last few paces. The result: US Gold, France Silver and the USSR Bronze.

The next day Agence France-Presse reported as follows:

Yesterday in Spain a footrace was held between Ambassadors. It was won by the US, France was second and the USSR third.

Reuters reported:

Yesterday in Spain a footrace was held between Ambassadors. The US Ambassador in an outstanding performance overpowered his French rival. The gallant Frenchman in turn, completely humiliated the Soviet competitor.

Tass reported:

Yesterday in Spain a footrace was held between Ambassadors. The USSR Ambassador came third. The US Ambassador was third from last and the Frenchman second from last.





"Capitalism is on the very verge of an abyss."

"Socialism is always one step ahead of capitalism."






During the bad old days of the Cold War, a British, an American, a Russian spy are all stationed in Vienna. One day, after much debate and arguing, they decide to sort out what intelligence agency is the best by releasing a white rabbit near a forest and see how much time it takes to catch him back.

They release the rabbit a first time, and after giving it enough head start the American spy goes after it. Half an hour later, he comes back with the rabbit.

"How did you do it?" ask the others.

"This rabbit, however small, can be tracked by a recon satellite. It was very easy to discover where it had been, and to find its hiding place. See, the CIa is clearly the best agency"

They release the rabbit a second time, and this time, the British agent goes after it. Twenty-five minutes later, he brings back the rabbit.

"How did you do it?" ask the other two.

"Well, even a rabbit cannot go fully unnoticed. There always are witnesses, people who see or hear your target. That proves Mi-6 is the best agency"

They release the rabbit a final time, and the Russia goes after it. Twenty minutes go by. Nothing. Thirty minutes. An hour.

"It's not normal" says the British spy "let's see what happened"

After rummaging through the woods for some time, they finally hear cries of rage coming from a small clearing. They run there, and discover their KGB colleague frantically hitting a donkey with a club.

"Confess you're the rabbit! Confess you're the rabbit!"






At a political economy class, students asked the instructor:

- Will there still be money under communism?

- Comrades, the Yugoslav revisionists say there will be, whereas the Chinese orthodox preach that there won't. We approach the issue in a dialectic way: Some individuals will have money, and some won't.





A question was sent to Radio Yerevan:
- What is the main superiority of the Soviet system over others?
- The Soviet system is fully capable of solving complex difficulties which are completely unknown to other systems.






The train of Communism is chugging down the track when it suddenly stops for no apparent reason. The Communist leaders meet in their compartment and debate what is to be done. Trotsky speaks first and says "Comrades, there is nothing to be concerned about. Our friends, the workers of the West will come to our aid and we'll be moving again shortly." They wait, but nothing happens. Then Stalin speaks up, "There has obviously been a case of wrecking and sabotage here. Let's shoot the engineer and his assistant as an example and make the coal loader the engineer". So they shoot the engineer and his assistant and put the coal loader in charge, but still no change. Then Khrushchev speaks up: "It was obviously an error on comrade Stalin's part to shoot the engineer and his assistant. We must rehabilitate these innocent victims and then everything should be ok". So they rehabilitate the engineer and his assistant, yet the train still does not move. Brezhnev pipes up: "Comrades, let us just close the curtains. If we stop paying attention, the train should start again on its own." So the draw the curtains....and still the train does not move. Then they ask comrade Gorbachev: "Mikhail Sergeevich, what do you think? ......Mikhail...Mikhail?.....where did he go?" He is nowhere to be seen. Suddenly one of the passengers comes into the compartment and says: "Comrades, comrade Gorbachev is outside trying to push the train!"



Chukchi comes into a store: "do you have colour TVs"
Seller: "Yes, we do"
Chukchi: "I'll take a green one"




- What was before: chicken, or eggs?
- Before there were both chicken and eggs.





A factory worker entered a butcher shop. No queue. Everything was perfectly clean. A beautiful sales attendee in a flawlessly white kite was smiling to him:

- How can I help you?

Completely incredulous, the man uttered after a long pause:

- Can you wrap me two kilos of pork steaks and one kilo of liver?
- Certainly - the girl unfolded a sheet of packing paper, placed it on the counter, and looked the man in the eyes expectingly:

- You brought the meat, didn't you?





How Do You Sink an Italian Battleship??

Just Put it in the Water




Back in the day Brezhnev goes to get a haircut. He settling in to the chair and the barber picks up his scissors and asks him:

"Comrade Brezhnev, what are you going to do about Poland?"

Brezhnev says nothing and stares straight ahead while the barber snips away.

A bit later the barber asks again:

"Comrade Brezhnev, what are you going to do about Poland?"

Brezhnev again says nothing and the barber resumes cutting.

A while later the barber again asks:

"Comrade Brezhnev, what are you going to do about Poland?"

This time Brezhnev explodes:

"Why all the questions about Poland? Can't you just do your job and cut my hair?"

"But I am comrade. Every time I mention Poland your hair stands up and it makes it easier to cut."





In America, you watch television. In Soviet Russia, television watches you!





Khrushchev visited a pig farm. The editorial board of the Pravda feverishly debated on the caption that would go along with the double-sized picture of the event on the first page. Proposals: "Comrade Khrushchev among the pigs.", "The pigs around Comrade Khrushchev." etc. None was considered appropriate. The next day, the picture appeared with the following caption: "Comrade Khrushchev: third from left."




- Which systems cannot co-exist with each other?
- The socialist system and the nervous system.



Stalingrad was renamed Volgograd. The next day, a telegram reached the Politburo: "I approve the new name. Josif Volgin."




The Moscow's principal rabbi had died and another needs to be appointed. A list of candidates was presented to Khrushchev for approval. Having read the list, Khrushchev yelled:

- What's this? Are you all out of your mind? All Jews?!




Vovochka's teacher asks his pupils what they did during the Great Patriotic War. One girl rises and says:

"I made tobacco pouches for the sodiers"

"Good girl! And you, Fedya?", she asks another boy

"I worked at a collective farm"

"Wonderful! And what about you, Vovochka?"

"I helped soldiers load their gun!"

"Wow, this is really great! Could you tell us more about it"

"Sure, we defended a village and knocked out 10 enemy tanks"

"Incredible! And what did the soldiers tell you?"

"Sehr gut, Woldemar!"


Capitalism and communism stand at opposite poles. Their essential difference is this: The communist, seeing the rich man and his fine home, says: 'No man should have so much.' The capitalist, seeing the same thing, says: 'All men should have so much.'



Most people who read "The Communist Manifesto" probably have no idea that it was written by a couple of young men who had never worked a day in their lives, and who nevertheless spoke boldly in the name of "the workers".





How do you tell a communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin.




Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.





- Grandma, was Lenin a good man?
- Yes, grandson, he was.
- And was Stalin really a bad monster?
- Oh yes, he was bad, very bad.
- And Khrushchev, is he good?
- We'll find that out, too, grandson, after his death...






Ok, in light of the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, I offer these jokes:


In much-invaded Poland there was bitterness about the neighbours - on both sides. So this question was asked of the Polish people:

"If the Russians and the East Germans invaded tonight, which would you shoot first?

The Germans.

Why?

Duty before pleasure."




"Here in the Soviet Union we have a pretend economy.
We pretend to work and they pretend to pay us."




"In late 1968 Czechoslovakia was regarded as the most neutral country in the world. Why?
Because it doesn't even interfere in its own internal affairs."




Brezhnev is being driven through the countryside when his limousine hits a pig. An angry crowd soon approaches from the nearest village. He sends out the chauffeur to pacify them. Cowering behind darkened windows, he sees the chauffeur approach the mob and start to talk. Suddenly they start to cheer, and carry him back, shoulder-high in triumph. He gets back in the car and they drive away.
Brezhnev is astonished and he asks "How did you manage that?"
"I don't know", says the driver. "I just said "I'm Brezhnev's driver: I killed the pig."




Two NKVD guards are patrolling across Red square at 5:50pm. They see an old man scurrying across the square. One of the guards raises his rifle, aims and shoots the old man dead much to the surprise of his comrade.

"Yuri! Why did you shoot that man? The kerfew is still ten minutes away," asked the stunned guard.

"Ahh Andrei, I know that man. He lives way across town, he'd never have made it in time!"





A father and son stand on a hill overlooking a smaller hill. The father points to the hill and says, "Look son that hill covers the remains of Chernobyl. A long, long time ago there was a terrible nuclear accident there but now we are safe. The government covered the reactor with concrete and dirt to make it safe and now it stands as testament to how well the government looks after it's people. Now let's hold hands, give me your hand and give me your other hand, now give me your other hand...."
__________________





How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?

1 and 50000 Soviet soldiers to stop him from going on walkout.





Stasi official on the street to a citizen:
"Whats your take on the political situation?"
Citizen: "I think th..."
Stasi official: "That's quite enough. You're under arrest!"




Walter Ulbricht and Mao Tse-tung are talking about domestic politics.
"So, how many political enemies do you have in the PRC?", asks Walter Ulbricht.
"I think about 17 million", answers Mao Tse-tung.
"Hm.... same number as we have. "



"Can you explain capitalism to me? "
"Capitalism is men exploiting men. "
"What about socialism then? "
"I'ts the exact opposite! "



Under Capitalism, man eats man

Under Socialism, man eats nothing

Africian proverb





One morning Ceausescu walks out on his baloney and is in such a good mood he says "Good morning, sun!"
And to his astonishment, the sun replies "Good morning, sir!"

The old dictator is so amazed and pleased that he runs off to find his wife. "It's wonderful, I am such a great man, even the sun respects me!" but his wife can't be bothered, she's got half a dozen staffers all busy trying to rebuild her make-up job.

And noon, Ceausescu greets the sun again, and its answers "Good day, your excellency."

At the end of the day, there is no stopping him, and he drags his wife outside for the first time in years and shouts up at the sky "Goodnight, sun!"
And the sun answers "Screw you, you dickhead!"

Ceausescu is too surprised to be upset, yet "But... but... you were so respectful to me earlier, what's wrong with you now?"

"You dumb son-of-a-bitch." the sun booms back, "I'm in the West now!"



- Why did the Soviet Army cross the borders of Czechoslovakia?
- The internationalist friendship between us knows no border!


2 σχόλια:

  1.  
    Ωραία ανέκδοτα :-)

     
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